What your Birth Partner NEEDS to Know

What your Birth Partners NEEDS to Know

Dear Birth Partner

Calling all birth partners and supporters. Let's chat about being a super hero. It's great knowing you can swoop in and save the day. But in the labour room, your partner doesn't need you to rescue her, she actually needs you to trust and protect her as well as the birthing room. I like to think of birth partners as Knights, guarding and protecting their newly forming family. Their allegiance is focused on the needs and desires of their charge.

When labour starts, it may take a good few hours for the body to get into its own rhythm . Your wife/partner should try to carry on as normal, ignoring those contractions as much as she can. If labour starts during the night (which it often does), offer to get her a hot water bottle, and both of you should try to go back to sleep. If labour starts during the day, both of you should carry on as normal for as long as she can manage.The birthing, bonding hormone, oxytocin is building. It is a very shy hormone. The smallest thing can cause it to retreat and labour can slow down, or even stop. In these early hours of labour, your partner needs to feel safe, private and unobserved. Think about having great sex and about the ideal environment needed. Is it warm or cool? Are the lights bright or low? Are the children running around the house or are they tucked safely in bed? Have you connected with each other emotionally during the day, or are there tensions that need to be sorted out? The same hormones needed for great sex and orgasm are at play during labour. Think how you can mirror that atmosphere during labour:

• Quiet voices
• Lights down low (yes, you can dim the lights in hospital)
• Warm room
• Smells of home (pillow, blanket or even the shirt you wore yesterday)
• Gentle, loving touch
• Nourishing, comforting foods
• Music that holds beautiful memories

Labour Starts at Home

If there is no induction, most labours will start and progress at home. Remember that your your partner needs to feel safe, private and unobserved. Understandably you're both going to have a heightened sense of awareness as you get closer to your 'due date'. When things do start, strive to stay cool and collected, and keep the atmosphere calm. Some women like to retreat and be by themselves initially. That is totally normal. Stay within ear-shot and think about making a cup of tea or hot water bottle to take to your love.

As labour progresses, your wife or partner will go from managing each contraction quite easily progressing to giving her full attention to each contraction. The intensity, length and frequency of contractions ramps up. You may start thinking it's time to head to the hospital, but hold back a bit. She will know the right time. Trust and encourage her intuition. You will see her needing more support and encouragement from you. Be there to reassure her. You will see her becoming less aware of her surroundings, and withdrawing more and more into herself. She will talk less, her eyes will probably be closed, her breathing getting her through each contractions. Your wife or partner has settled from her sympathetic nervous system into her parasympathetic nervous system. From her logical, reasoning state into her primal, intuitive self. This is the dance of labour. This is the flow, the progression and process of labour.

Now is the time for you to support her to be the hero. Your role is to be, like in a film, the supporting role - making the lead actress shine by doing whatever she needs you to do.

Transferring to the Hospital

When her contractions are rolling in regularly and lasting for up to a minute, it's time to consider transferring to the hospital if that's what is planned. Often, when transferring, the drive, bright lights of the hospital and being in triage can cause labour to slow down or stop completely. This is because of the shift from her safe environment (home) to the hospital (where the sick or injured go). This results in her body producing the stress hormone - adrenaline. To minimize these effects consider ear phones and eye mask when transferring in to hospital. Know your partner's birth plan well, so that when questions are asked, you can be her mouthpiece speaking on her behalf.

As she settles into her labouring room, it's important to get oxytocin levels increased and that parasympathetic state returned. The room is yours now to do as you wish.

• Turn down the lights
• Keep voices soft
• Place flameless candles and fairy lights around the room
• Use a diffuser with her chosen essential oils
• Turn on her play list
• Get her into your arms and get really close to each other
• All the things that got baby in help get baby out.

You are now to be the knight, protecting her and her birth preferences. Your loyalty lies with her. Your trust is in her and her ability to bring your baby Earthside!

Questions Stay out the Birth Room

I've watched dads rise up to tend their partners so well. One dad had to talk louder as mum wanted to "hear his voice". Another dad counted to eight over and over through each contraction. Still another dad hummed with his partner through each of her contractions. It was all about doing whatever the mum needed to get through each contraction.

The one thing I have noticed is that the woman can become irritated or confused when asked questions. We don't want her in her logical brain. We want her intuition working in full force. Don't ask her if she wants something, just offer it to her, and let her accept or refuse. The effort it takes to answer a simple yes or no answer is immense! As the labour progresses you will notice your partner interacting with you and her environment less and less. She will nod, grunt, hit your hand out the way, but conversation is a thing of the past. Keep the effort of answering your questions minimal. Any questions from the medical staff can go through you first, thus why you need to know her birth plan and be on the same page as her.

Considerations Before Labour Starts

The Advantage of a Birth Plan

Birth plans are so important when it comes to pain relief options. Understanding what's available, what side effect there may be helps BEFORE having to make a decision when your partner is in the throes of labour. Oftentimes women are adamant they don't want any pain relief, but sometimes birth can unfold differently to what you expect. Your partner may have laboured through the night with little sleep, and she may be exhausted. Perhaps the intensity of labour takes her by surprise and it gets too much.

I often discuss with my clients the importance of being flexible in birth. Birth is a surrendering, a yielding and letting go of expectations. If you can't bend to the changes, or storms, you will break. That's why having your ideal birth plan is fabulous, but being prepared with a Plan B and a Plan C (caesarean plan) is also vitally important. When you and your partner are flexible, you are both able to stay calm and in control of the circumstances. This is a highly empowering place to be. When your partner has made her birth plan, get her to share it with you. Know it well and have a copy (and a couple of spare ones to share with the hospital staff) in the labour bag.

If neither of you knows where to start with birth planning, I offer templates and can walk both of you through your options. Find out more here

The Code Word

Keep all talk of pain management out of the birthing room. If you or a midwife start recommending or suggesting pain medication, the mum, being mentally more vulnerable, is going to think you think she can't do this. She will start believing this to be true. A big tip I give my clients is to have a code word, or a safety word. With this known word, your partner is able to moan, tell you how sore these contractions are, even swear at you. She is in a secure space to do so. But if she calls out her code/safety word, you know she needs some additional help, and that conversation can happen. It's on her terms, as it should be. Labour is hard work- REALLY HARD WORK, but when the hard work turns to suffering, it's okay for your partner/wife to change her mind and opt for additional help.

Doula Benefits

With maternity services being so stretched as well as induction and caesarean rates soaring across the UK, it's actually the responsibility of the parents-to-be to educate themselves. Hiring a local birth doula who can walk you through the process of labour, what helps and hinders it, the role of hormones, the importance of movement, natural and medical pain relief etc. Being able to have the time to talk through questions and concerns, being sign posted to the right people and places when necessary is invaluable.

If you as the birth partner, don't feel you are confident enough to speak on your partner;'s behalf, or stand up and protect her wants, needs and rights, working together with a birth doula will help. As the Doula of Belfast, I don't come to replace you, rather to work with you in supporting your wife/partner. My calming, trusting presence will transfer into the birth space. I've never met a dad who hasn't valued and deeply appreciated my presence and contribution.

Here's what one dad wrote:

"When my partner first talked to me about getting a doula I wasn't sure what the role was or why we would need one. But I couldn't have been more wrong. Having the one to ones with Nicola leading up to the birth of our first child really helped. I had a better understanding of not just what my partner was going to be going through, but also what changes were up ahead before and after the birth for us both. The education we got from Nicola was so helpful. She helped prepare me as the birth partner and gave me the confidence and knowledge to know what my role should be. I can't thank her enough. From a dad's point of view the Doula of Belfast was worth every penny."

If you would like to discuss how I can support you and your partner, I'd be happy to have a free discovery call

You can read more about What is a Doula? and How to Choose a Doula

Being the Knight after Baby's arrival

Immediately after the birth

When baby has been born, what a beautiful, precious and sacred time it is for the 3 of you. This time and space also needs to be guarded. After birth, oxytocin levels are at their highest levels ever, and initiating breastfeeding increases these levels even further, encouraging bonding between mother and baby. Just like we mentioned earlier, this hormone is shy, and needs safety, privacy and feeling unobserved to flourish. You, as the birth partner, can facilitate this environment by preventing baby from being separated from mum. All tests and procedures can be safely performed on mum's chest if baby is adjusting well. If mum and baby can remain skin-to-skin for at least an hour, the benefits for birth are incredible:

• Controls body temperature
• Slows down heart rate
• Improves oxygen levels
• Increases bonding
• Decreases the chances of postnatal disorders eg. anxiety and depression
• Increases milk production
• Reduces stress hormones
• Baby's skin is colonised with mother's microbiome

If an emergency arises and mum is separated from baby, you as the birth partner can (and should) get your shirt off and hold baby against your chest for all the above benefits. Your oxytocin levels will increase and the bonding between you and your newborn baby will be strong. Skin-to-skin develops caring and sensitivity in you as well as increases your confidence as a parent.

Returning home

When mum and baby return home, please, please, PLEASE protect your family! This fragile period, known as the fourth trimester, should be a period of rest, recovery (from birth AND pregnancy) and bonding. Mum should (ideally) be in bed for 5-7 days, on the bed for 5-7 days, around the bed for 5-7 days and around the house for 5-7 before slowly integrating back into a new normal. I know this is an ideal scenario, but there seems to be an unspoken competition or race amongst new mums, that she who gets out quickest wins. I've seen it time and again - women who get "back to normal" within weeks, even days, after having baby end up in trouble mentally, physically or both down the line. Postnatal recovery isn't just 6 weeks, but rather 6-12 months before completely healed. If you can tend to your wife/partner while you're on paternity leave, things will go smoother for everyone. Take the mental load off! Don't ask her what she wants you to do. Just do it!

Discussing these things BEFORE baby's arrival will help hugely

• Ask her for a schedule.
• When do the towels and bed linen get washed.
• Are there some frozen meals you will be able to use once mum and baby are home.
• What about the grocery shopping - Can you organised the supermarket to drop off groceries once a week.
• How does she like certain things done.
• Ask what her expectations are, and let her know if you can meet them.

Managing guests

Protect your home and new family from too many visitors too soon. Decide beforehand who will come when. If you don't want baby passed around, wearing baby in a sling is the perfect hack. Your guests can have a peek, but getting their hands on him or her is more tricky. Set some boundaries before people arrive. They may not like your boundaries, but if they want to step into your home, then they need to honour and respect your rules.

You could also ask visitors to come with a meal, or ready to help with a household chore. People really do want to help out. If they've had kids, they know how much help you really need. Maybe have a list on your fridge that you can screenshot and send to family and friends.

• Dog walking
• Washing up
• Empty dishwasher
• Help older kids with homework
• Lifts
• Hang up the laundry and pop in another load
• Bring a meal
• Vacuum

If this is too much to ask, or neither of you are happy asking for this type of help, consider hiring a postnatal doula. She can come in for a few hours and get these things done, even prepare a nourishing wholesome meal for the family. Postnatal doulas are flexible and adaptable to what needs doing each visit. She will understand that perhaps you had a terrible night and are both in desperate need for sleep. She can take baby after its feed and close the door allowing you both some time to catch up on some sleep while she watches over your baby.

If you would like to explore this postnatal service more, lets have a chat. Make a booking here for a free discovery call.

Hopefully it is clear that your partner doesn't need you to be a super-hero, rescuing you from the intensity of labour, but rather as your knight in shining armour. He should know your hopes and plans intimately and is prepared to guard those plans fiercely. Speaking and acting on your behalf when you are in the height of labour, trusting that you know yourself, your body and your baby better than anyone else. He will protect his newly formed family from the stresses of guests arriving too early. Help will be gratefully accepted in ALL forms, from meal drop offs, to lifting other children, even walking the dog. If you feel you would both benefit with more help and support through pregnancy, birth and postnatally, the advantages of a birth and /or postnatal doula will be more valuable than you can imagine.