Have you heard of the 5 languages of love?
"Je t'aime" "ti amo"..... no, no, no! Not that type of language.
Love is so much more than a feeling. It's a word that needs to be expressed and received through action. We are complex beings and our ideas of giving or receiving love are influenced by our upbringing, our culture and society, as well as through all our senses. (How we see, hear, smell, taste and feel it through touch)
Back in the 90's Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell wrote the 5 Love Languages. I wonder if you've read it. The basic principle is that we all need love, but have 1 or 2 primary love languages that speak loud and clear, re-assuring us of that person's love for us. We also GIVE love in the language we want to receive it.
So, before we go any further, let's list those 5 languages:
- Physical touch
- Words of affirmation
- Quality time
- Gifts
- Acts of service
As humans we are a social species, needing to have interactions with each other and meaningful relationships to grow and thrive. Our emotional tanks need filling by those especially close to us. As Gary Chapman states, "Speaking your partner's primary love language helps him/her feel loved." Because this blog is focused on birth and those early weeks after birth, we will talk predominantly about the mother.
From my own personal experience, depending on the phase of life we're in, we may need a certain love language more than others. Similarly, if one of the love languages is low, or missing completely, you will find you need that one thing in abundance. A wise partner will use all 5 languages so you never feel like you're lacking in one area.
When you feel loved, you will feel safe and secure. This is key for the progression of labour and to build your confidence in parenting. Chat to your partner and discover each other's love language. Think about how you show love to those around you. If you want to show someone how special and cherished they are to you, what do you do to show that? You can visit here to take the Love Language quiz. Share with each other how you think you both will need support and make a date to check in after baby's arrival.
Physical Touch
Physical touch keeps you connected
During labour, your birth partner has many opportunities for physical touch. Be aware though that this can change without warning! During early labour, with excitement building you may want to dance together. Hugging, kissing and nipple stimulation will definitely get your oxytocin levels up! As labour progresses, so can your birth partner's support. Back rubs, hip squeezes, or being a strong tower to lean on will all benefit you.
If you are having a caesarean section, your partner can hold your hand or give you a shoulder rub through the procedure. Just being close to experience your child coming earthside together.
Your body needs time to rest and recover from being pregnant and from birth. No matter how you birthed your baby, if your love language is physical affection, it is important to tap into your needs. Express what you need. Is it a shoulder massage? What about a foot rub as you're breastfeeding?
Your emotional tank needs filling so you can nurture your little one and the rest of your family. A tender embrace speaks volumes to you. It shouts that you are indeed loved. It is devastating if physical touch is used to express anger or hostility in any circumstance, but utterly destructive to anyone with this love language.
Words of Affirmation
Words are so powerful; they can build up or tear down. During your pregnancy and labour, you become very vulnerable to what someone says. It's not only WHAT is said but HOW it is said. It's almost as if your emotional radar has been switched to overdrive.
"Words can be like gentle rain falling on the soul"
It can be hard to forget what is said to you and the feelings they stir up. Often, in birth stories, you will hear what was spoken to the mother during her labour. It either helped or hindered her labour. That's how significant words can be, and how we need to guard what comes out of our mouths.
Encouraging words keep you going
Words can communicate care, gentleness, peace, encouragement and love. They can take on an even greater meaning when linked with physical closeness, looking deeply into your eyes, and being spoken to slowly, sincerely and with intention. This is why birth affirmations and hypnobirthing scripts are so powerful.
Here are some examples you can share with your partner:
- I am so proud of you.
- You're looking after yourself and our baby so well.
- You're doing it; keep going.
- You're an incredible mum.
- I love you.
If your love language is words of affirmation, discuss with your birthing partner how you want your birth-space protected. If there is someone questioning or undermining you or your choices, it's important for your birth partner or doula to make your space safe.
Quality Time
Taking time to connect
Receiving undivided, attention speaks loudly to you. When your loved one puts down their phone, turns and looks into your eyes and says, "What's on your mind?" It's hard to give quality time. Life is so busy. There is always something vying for our attention. It can be a real sacrifice to give our time. But quality doesn't always mean quantity. Ten minutes of focused attention means more to you than a day together, but emotionally detached.
During labour, if your love language is quality time, your birth supporter needs to know how important having their focused attention is. Maybe when labour starts your partner goes into function mode timing contractions, getting the bags packed into the car, or blowing up the birth pool. Voice what you'd prefer. Do you want to watch a movie together? Maybe putting on relaxing music and dancing together. Or perhaps you'd like to go for a walk somewhere quiet and beautiful.
When a baby enters the picture, quality time is hard to find. You'll find you're both physically and emotionally exhausted. Thinking of something to DO takes effort. The thing is it's not what you do that matters, its that you're doing something together. When baby is sleeping, eating together at the table with candles burning could work. Even sitting on the bed together while baby feeds and sleeps is an option. You don't need to go somewhere special. Making this effort of putting time aside, hard as it may be, is an investment in your relationship. It's worth the sacrifice.
During your times together, ensure that there is loving eye contact, connecting you to each other's heart. Share openly, vulnerably and listen to each other without judgement or criticism. Sometimes making this space to talk encourages problem solving, sharing of dreams, hopes and vision for your family. Having time set aside says that you are valuable and an important priority.
Acts of service
Becoming pregnant, like it or not, you enrolled yourself into a life of service for at least the next 18 years. Becoming a parent actually never stops. Pregnancy is the first step of putting the former things behind you, and stepping into a beautiful, complex, rewarding, challenging world of parenthood. It's worth every sleepless night to receive that smile of recognition. To have arms reach out for you. To have tiny feet and big eyes wanting to join you in bed after a nightmare.
It is often the small things...
When it comes to birth and early postpartum, there are SO many ways your partner can help. I think this area is the most important, but unfortunately mostly overlooked. Towards the end of pregnancy you can get tired quite quickly. Doing simple chores can start feeling like a huge energy expenditure. Your partner can help out with chores, meals and even the odd foot rub. Sometimes it really is the small things that speak loudest.
I had a client recently who wanted my support because her husband was 'useless' in the birth room (her words, not mine). I asked him at one of our antenatal sessions how he would like to be involved. He was so sweet. His reply went something along the lines of, "Whatever I can do to help, but I don't want to be in the way." During the birth, he was a bit awkward and unsure of what to do. I got him right up close to his wife where he became her rock.Her strong tower of strength. He help her firmly, told her softly how strong and beautiful she was. He offered her ice cold water after every contraction, placed a cool face cloth on her forehead when she was tired and resting. He was my client's hero! I saw their bond and love for each other deepen before my eyes.
After your baby's arrival, it is vitally important that you rest and recover IN BED for the first few days. There seems to be an unspoken competition running that whoever gets out first is the winner. Staying indoors, resting and recovering is for weak women. What an absolute LIE! Your body is recovering not only from birth, but from pregnancy too! Time is needed in those early days to for you and baby to get to know each other-to fall in love with each other. If you are breastfeeding, you need to be patient, relaxed and comfortable. Your husband/partner can serve you so beautifully in this time. Here are some examples:
- Bring baby to you-especially after a caesarean section where getting up may be painful
- Prepare you a nutritious breakfast
- Pack away laundry
- Fill washing machine- and turn it on
- Refill your water bottle while feeding because you're going to be thirsty
- Run you a bath while he settles baby and gives you some alone time
Gifts
Giving and receiving presents can be a powerful expression of love, especially when they have been carefully and thoughtfully given. Buying a gift out of an expression of genuine love hits the mark.
Giving a gift
The word gift comes from the Greek word charis, meaning 'grace' or 'undeserved gift'. I think undeserved is key. A gift shouldn't be in exchange for something. That would be considered a payment (or worse a bribe or manipulation). Giving a gift should be a sincere expression of love for that particular person. You can see the importance of incorporating some of the other languages here too. A gift just left to be discovered without any eye contact, words of affirmation or some physical contact, would have less impact. Seeing the delight on your face as you receive the gift is just as rewarding to the person giving you that special offering.
A gift doesn't have to be expensive, or break the bank. It's really the motive behind the giving. Sometimes it can be something that is needed, given with a loving heart.
I remember one of our early Christmases my husband bought me a popper machine. It was the best present ever! I didn't know there was such a thing, but he took time to find out that there was. I used to sew my kids clothes when they were toddlers. Making jackets and tracksuits with funky pockets with poppers and press studs. That little machine is still with me even though I don't use it- I don't think I'll ever get rid of it!
Some examples of gifts :
- Specially chosen babygro for baby to go home in
- Music playlist for birth (Chosen and presented)
- Hiring a doula for birth and/or postnatally
- Photo session together
- Subscription to Hello Fresh or something similar
Have fun discussing your love languages with each other. It may be an opportunity for growth and enriching your relationship. It may be thinking outside the box for both of you, but, as I often say, nothing great is achieved in your comfort zone. Enjoy discovering and surprising each other in their love language.