I remember becoming a new mum, and wanting do things “the right way”- whatever that meant!⠀Those early days of getting up all bleary eyed, totally exhausted to feed my new-born, 2, 3, or sometimes 4 times a night! Back in the '90's there were no next to me cribs. There were no recommendations to keep baby in the same room as you. My newborn was put in a nursery, and the sleeping guidance had recently changed from baby sleeping on the tummy to baby now sleeping on their side.
Experts now agree that the safest place for baby to sleep is on his back, in a crib, or side-bed sleeper in the parents’ room for, at least, the first 6 months.⠀The Lullaby trust is a very helpful website for sleep advice for babies and children. HERE you can read all about safe sleeping, keeping the cot clear, breastfeeding, room temperature and much more!
When baby #2 arrived I had realized that BABIES DON’T READ BOOKS!⠀
I found a freedom in making decisions according to our family’s circumstances and my maternal intuition. To function well during the day, I decided that I would put baby to bed in his Moses basket, by the side of my bed, and when he awoke for his next feed, I would bring him in bed with me and he could feed as often as he needed, while I would be able to doze on and off through the night.⠀
It worked for us as a family and I knew the risks and benefits.⠀
Why should I know how to safely bed share when I'm not planning to do it?
This is a great question. Do you remember what people are like before having kids? Maybe you were one of them too - I know I was! "I'll never...." fill in the blank. But actually, when that exhaustion kicks in, we'll be willing to do ANYTHING for a good night's sleep! Bed sharing has been so villified, leaving parents petrified of falling asleep with their baby in their bed. However the consequences of NOT knowing how to safely bed share could have worse outcomes. Tired parents could easily fall asleep in a chair or on the sofa in front of the telly. Baby could roll out of the parent's arms, or, if the parent is lying on the couch, could become wedged in the back of the sofa. Falling asleep in your bed, assured of safe sleeping protocols could give you a good night's sleep, allowing you to feel more refreshed and thinking clearer.
History of bed sharing and sleep training
Bed sharing was common practice, as was communal sleeping centuries ago. It was safe, warm and re-assuring for all members of the family. As possession of land and building large homes became a status symbol if each family member had their own room, it was a sign you were among the most elite and well-regarded people of society.
In 1894 Dr Emmett Holt, who is considered the father of sleep training, wrote a book called, " Care and Feeding of Children" which is an opinion based book and an attempt to prevent disease. He states in his book, "Babies under 6 months should never be played with and the less of it at any time the better. For the infant they are made nervous and irritable, they sleep poorly and suffer from indigestion." He also recommended that infants between 7-12 months have all night time feeds eliminated, with crying it out so infants learn to sleep at night. I don't know about you, but I think of my ancestors, and my heart breaks.
In the 1950's we saw the science of infant sleep being studied. It was thought best to have independent, secure babies by enforcing night time separation, and this became the definition of normal, healthy sleep. Any deviation from this and baby was considered to be manipulating its parents. Babies DO NOT have the mental capacity to manipulate, they are wired to be with their mothers for protection and survival. As mothers, we know deep down that our baby's only way of communicating with us is by crying. What are we saying to our baby if we don't respond to their cries? Are we saying we are an unreliable mother? Do we want our baby to NOT trust us? Mothers' first instinct is to reach and respond. From my point of view we need to be trusting this more than 'scientific' knowledge and research.
Why do we (repeatedly) discredit mother nature's way and replace it with 'science' and 'research' ?
The Cuddle Curl
Across many Eastern and African cultures today you will find mothers co-sleeping with their baby. You will also find breastfeeding is common practice too. Breastfeeding mothers all over the world adopt the same position - The 'cuddle curl'. As she lies down with her baby, Mum's knees come up , and her arm tucks under her head or pillow, creating a safe sleeping space for baby. Baby wont move up or down the bed, mum won't roll onto her baby because her knees are bent, and no-one else can roll onto baby because mum's knees and elbows will be in the way. Quite an incredible, intrinsic design.
Does Bed sharing benefit my baby?
Baby needs to be close to his/her mum, especially in the early days as he/she doesn't realise he/she is a separate being from mum. Dr James McKenna, sleep specialist and researcher, often says that there is no infant without the mother, and there is no mother without the the infant. When we separate one from the other, we see distress, and failure to thrive. A baby cannot self-regulate his/her nervous system, but needs co-regulation, so who better than the mother, who he/she knows and recognises.
- When baby bed shares, there is some research that shows it actually decreases the risk of SIDS ((See research paper here)
- Baby is secure and well attached to parents.
- Longer breastfeeding rates
- Children became more socially independent and self reliant at 36-68 months (See research here)
How to Safely Bed share
There have been active media campaigns showing beds as tomb stones, or babies sleeping in a bed that with a meat cleaver trying to deter babies sharing the same bed as its parents- talk abour fear mongering! The reality is that 60-75% of breastfeeding mums will bed share at some stage, even though they had planned not to.
Perhaps you have contemplated sleeping with your baby. Maybe you are too afraid to try, or don’t know HOW to bed share safely. It's more likely that it’s happened on the odd occasion, and you swore to yourself that you'd never do it again.
What if we turned the narrative around?
What if we could inform and equip ALL parents on the benefits and risks of bed sharing?
What if we could tell parents how to bed share safely, and then leave the choice up to them?
Knowledge is power, right? Let me help you become informed and equipped.
La Lech League have a safe bed sharing song sung to the tune of, "Row, row, row your boat."
No smoke, sober mum⠀
Baby at your breast⠀
Healthy baby on his back⠀
Keep him lightly dressed.⠀
Not too soft a bed⠀
Watch the cords and gaps⠀
Keep the covers off his head⠀
For your nights and naps⠀
1) No Smoke
Smoking is the leading cause of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), increasing baby's risk if mum smokes through her pregnancy. If either parent smokes, baby's risk of SIDS also increases, even if the parent doesn't smoke in the house.
2) Sober Mum (and Dad)
Alcohol, medication and/or recreational drugs inhibits your ability to make sound judgments and be alert to baby's needs, increasing your baby's risk. Ensure there is at least one parent who is not under the influence of anything.
3) Breastfed Baby
When baby is breastfed the risk of SIDS reduces dramatically. Mum automatically curls around her baby in the 'cuddle curl' which naturally protects baby and keeps him/ her in the ideal position - close to the breast, not the face. Baby's sense of smell is strong and being close to the breast enables baby to move towards the breast and feed whenever is needed.
4) Healthy baby
Baby who is born at term (ie between week 37-42), not underweight (ie not under 5.5 lbs) and are healthy, have less chance of suffocation.
5) Baby on his Back
While mum feeds baby, they lie on their sides, and when the feed is finished, baby can gently be laid on his back, while mum stays in that cuddle curve.
6) Lightly dressed
Overheating can contribute to SIDS. Your baby does not need to be clothed in heavy weight clothes or sleeping bag suits. Dress baby as you would when going to bed. If it's a cold night and you are wearing a vest and brushed cotton winter pajamas, dress baby in a vest and a winter baby-gro.
No swaddling is necessary when co-sleeping either. Baby's limbs need to be free to breastfeed, and move around to a position ideal for him/her.
7) Sleeping Area
These may be obvious factors for safe co-sleeping, however they are worth mentioning so nothing is overlooked.
Obviously a firm mattress is important to prevent baby rolling into a ditch or crack between two mattresses. Waterbeds give no support, and are appreciably a no-no. There is no need for snuggle nests or sleeping pods as they are too soft and may increase the likelihood of baby overheating. (They are generally not recommended for safe sleep in any context.)
Ensure there are no gaps between the bed and wall or headboard. Any gaps can be filled with rolled up towels, or you can lie in the gap.
Clear the area of sharp corners eg. bedside tables and any cords eg, phone chargers, electrical extension cables and curtain/blind cords.
Parents' Responsibilty
Deciding to co-sleep needs to be a joint decision.
- Each parent needs to responsible for themselves. eg no smoking, alcohol, medication.
- If either parent is clinically obese with limited mobility when lying down, that person should not be sleeping on the same surface as baby.
- No strong perfumes or highly fragranced body lotions to be worn at night.
- Long hair needs to be tied back.
- Preparing a safe space just in case exhaustion sets in and overwhelms you will keep you from falling asleep in places that could have disastrous consequences.
Benefits of Bed Sharing
I'm sure you're familiar with the phrase, 'Happy wife happy life', well if mum is well rested and less stressed, the home is a much happier place to be. If you speak to any new, first time mother, she'll say something along the lines of, "No-one can prepare you." or "No-one told me how hard this was going to be." Becoming a new parent - for the first time - or becoming a parent of one more, is hard work! Throw in lack of sleep, poor eating habits and the continued responsibility of running and managing a home and you have a recipe for extreme stress and poor postnatal mental well-being.
Other benefits include:
- Easier night feeding
- Enriched bonding with a secure, well adjusted baby
- Higher rates of prolonged breastfeeding
- Easy for both baby and mother to go back to sleep
- Mum gets more sleep, even if she wakes more, she's not getting completely out of her sleep state.
- Mum and baby sleep rhythms, heart rate, brain waves, temperature, breathing and oxygen levels become synchronised
- Parent/s have lower coritisol levels and are able to think more clearly and better regulate their emotions.
Risk of SIDS when Bed Sharing
The Lullaby Trust recently carried out a survey that showed 9 out of 10 couples co-sleep. 60% of parents admitted to not being given advice on how to reduce the chances of SIDS. 40% of parents admitted to falling asleep with baby on a sofa or in an armchair, which increases the chances of SIDS up to 50x.
The Blair et al. study found that SAFE bed sharing was actually protective against SIDS in infants older than 3 months. Exclusive breastfeeding also reduces the chances of SIDS.
Being uninformed and not practicing SAFE bed sharing increases poor outcomes dramatically, however being informed, prepared and practicing safe bed sharing actually reduces these poor outcomes.
Bed sharing is an emotive subject, and many heated arguments have arisen over it.Most parents don't want to bed share because of safety reason, however, the reality is that many parents DO bed share out of desperation and sheer exhaustion. Knowledge is power - and protection and safety! When you know how to share a bed with your baby safely, and what to be mindful of, you can all be assured of a good, safe sleep for the whole family.
To hear more, I listened to an incredible podcast on Birthing Instincts, Episode #385. Infant sleep specialist Brittany Chambers brings her wisdom and insight into this hot topic. Listen Here.
Reach out if you would like to find out how you can be supported during your postnatal journey.