Yesterday my husband and I celebrate a milestone anniversary. 30 years! To say I'm proud of us is putting it mildly. We've walked through birth and death, sickness and health, good times and bad, the ups and downs, highs and lows of life....and we are still happy and love each other enormously! With 30 years of experience, I would like to give you my 5 top tips for a strong marriage. I hope you find them helpful, challenging and encouraging.
Soulmate or not?
This isn't really a tip, it's just suggesting another way of thinking. This is my (unpopular) view on relationships - I think the common perception is damaging, and a cop-out. That is the idea of a soul mate. People introduce you to their partner or spouse as 'my other half" or " my significant other". It's a very romantic idea, but do you know the origin of that? I used to believe in soul mates, until I saw marriages around me breaking down and one or both 'discovered they were wrong', and NOW they've found their soul mate.
The origin of soul mates is actually routed in Greek mythology, where Zeus was threatened by the power of humankind. According to the mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms and legs. To distract mankind from reaching his/her highest power Zeus split humans into 2 separate beings now destined to spend their lives searching for their other half, so they could become whole again. There are over 8 billion people on the earth today, and there's only ONE person for us?
1. Love is More than a Feeling
I grew up in the LOVE IS... era. A cute couple who are dreamy-eyed, and totally in love with each other. Captions like: Love is .... a song in your heart. Love is...a warmth that burns forever, or how about, Love is....reassuring her you can't see any cellulite. Definitely cute, but really unrealistic!
Love is a VERB- an action word. Love is not just moonlight walks on the beach, staring into each other's eyes, feeling all mushy inside, and living happily ever after. Love is a decision to choose the other even when they may be unlovable, even when times are tough. Love is choosing to look for the best in the other. It's choosing to lay down your wants and needs for the enriching of your marriage. Love is choosing to let go or talk through the hurts and offenses. Love is a sacrifice of ourselves, putting the other person's needs and wants ahead of ours.
Fairy tales never told us about how things went after children arrived, or financial struggles hit, did they? We just know that they lived happily-ever-after.
2. Don't try to Change the Other Person
If someone were to ask my number one recommendation for a strong, healthy marriage, it would be this one. I'm sure I'm not alone in this, but in the early days of our marriage I (foolishly) thought that if I could just make my husband think this way, or do that instead of this, our marriage would get better and stronger. WRONG! It brought frustration, hurt, arguments, resentment and withdrawal from each other. I realised a few years into our marriage that the only person I could change was myself. It's not easy. When I'd start thinking, "If only he'd ...." I'd have to take that thought and turn it onto myself. Why was my way the right way? What if I accepted him just as he was. It is possible to shift your thinking and become more gracious and less judgmental. It's taking that thought while it's forming and turn it into acceptance. Once a thought has taken root, it's more difficult to untangle. But seeing your spouse through a shifted perspective really does improve the relationship dynamics. When you work on you, the change tends to be more permanent as it comes from the heart rather than just changing a behaviour because that's what your spouse wants from you.
3. Manage Expectations
I used to go to embroidery classes every Saturday. There was a lovely lady there who was always happy and so grateful with her present circumstances. I asked her one day if she ever got let down or disappointed. She told me she lived by this principle which was the secret to her happiness. It took me a while to agree with it. I'm still challenging myself with it often. My friend's motto was, "Don't expect anything and you'll never be disappointed and always be pleasantly surprised."
Now, if I'm honest, I do think having expectations is important, BUT if you don't share your expectations, you'll most probably be let down - often. I remember having my first baby and hoping I'd be given a beautiful flower arrangement from my intuitive, mind-reading hubby. (Who wants flowers after having a baby, because you've got to care for them, and caring for flowers when you're trying to care for yourself and a newborn is near impossible) It was time to stop living in dream world. If I wanted something, I needed to say what I wanted, and here's a great suggestion - tell him exactly how you imagine it!
Here's an example: If you've taken good postnatal advice and decided to stay in bed for the first week, and your only responsibility is to look after your basic, BASIC needs (ie hygiene) while others look after the running of the house, feeding and hydrating you. Let's say that you like a certain breakfast, a steaming bowl of hot creamy oats with finely chopped strawberries, slivered almonds and pumpkin seeds sprinkled on top. Is your husband a mind reader? Does he know how you are picturing your morning bowl of porridge? If he doesn't know he's going to go with what HE thinks you like, which will probably look like something he likes! Describe exactly what you want so you're not disappointed.
4. Different isn't Wrong
Do you know the story of the 6 blind men who had no idea what an elephant was? They decided to feel the elephant to know what it was.
The first man feels the elephant's leg and says that this animal is a pillar.
The second man disagrees while feeling the elephant's tail, saying it was like rope.
Feeling the elephant's tusk, the third man says that the beast is like a mighty spear.
The fourth man jumps in exclaiming that an elephant is like a large fan as he was feeling the ears.
Touching the trunk, the fifth man states the elephant is like a long, strong snake.
Finally, the last man says an elephant is like a huge wall as he felt the broad side of the mighty animal.
As you can tell from this tale, all the men were right from their perspective. So it is in a relationship. You have seen things through different perspectives, and so has your spouse or partner. Just because you both see things differently, doesn't mean it's wrong - it's just different.
5. Guard your Relationship
Have you noticed in friendship circles how contagious marriage, and having babies is? Have you noticed too how contagious divorce is? Often we can get into bashing our spouse, only to get our friends encouraging our dissatisfaction, hurt or offense. Sometimes a well meaning friend can plant seeds of doubt into your mind. Next bashing session may be a bit more intense, with friends saying they wouldn't stand for this, they would leave. And so the breakdown and offense gets deeper. We need to put a wall of protection around our marriage, allowing only trusted people to speak into our lives. People who aren't scared to point out our flaws or selfish way of thinking.
I've often though of a marriage as a garden. It needs to be looked after, watered, fertilized and weeded for it to flourish. I'm not a gardener as such, but I know that if you leave weeds, they will strangle and kill the plants.So it is with the weeds of negative thinking, unforgiveness, unresolved conflict, hurt, unkind words, unappreciation etc. There's a bible verse (Song of Songs 2:15, "Catch all those foxes, those little foxes, before they ruin the vineyard of love) that talks about protecting the vineyard from the little foxes. You would think little foxes are harmless and quite cute - but no ways! They come into a vineyard and dig up the roots of the vine, which eventually will destroy and kill it.
Marriage can be a gift to you and your spouse. It takes work, sometimes a lot of hard work. And when you can't seem to get a breakthrough or see eye to eye, help is available.
Click the link to find out about love languages in childbirth?